"would you fight for this?"
nope, i honestly wouldn’t. what’s the point anyway? and what right do i have? i’ve said it from the start that i don’t deserve your love, this love, or any love at all. i don’t deserve the kindness, the time, effort, willingness, feelings, emotions, thoughts and gestures. i appreciate them all but i do not deserve any single one of it. because that’s just me. the reason is simple: i am me. and being me, i don’t deserve it. so, to be here with you right now, is a privilege, its not a right, its not destiny - its a short term temporary privilege that i don’t deserve. that’s why when you decide to go, i have no rights to stop you, i have no say. i only can miss you, cry over you, yearn for you, i can only say that i was right all along. why fight for something when i don’t deserve anything. im not throwing this away so nonchalantly, you must understand that. i cherish this more than my life itself, but i know for a fact that i am not worthy of it. why do you settle for something less than what you’re made for? why settle for me? i will cherish this and hold on to it, enjoy every moment of it, every sweet word, every kind gesture, every intimate glance, every funny conversation, until it is time for you to set sail and find someone else who is truly worthy to be all that and more for you.
there are so many things i want to say but i don’t know where to start.
from how much is a lightyear to what state of matter is fire considered to be in to is love just a chemical reaction and are we overreacting to how we praise god for everything good that happens and blame ourselves for all the bad to how as individuals we are human beings who ultimately spend their lives searching when all we want to be is found.
i want to sit down somewhere, on a stone, gravelled ground, on a newly-painted bench, on a sofa - i don’t care - i just want to go on and on about all of the things that i have going on in my head. i could do that anytime, i’m ready: i have the words, i have the thoughts, i have the time and the place,
but i still havent found someone to lend a listening ear and
i really hope it’ll be your face.
i don’t think time changes people. i don’t think other people change other people. i dont think experiences change people.
people change themselves. rather, people allow themselves to change.
if you hadn’t, you’d still remain as you are, with the same thoughts, same perspectives, same idealogies, same habits, same styles, same routines for years and years and years to come.
but you don’t. you allow yourself to absorb these changes, you allow yourself to cut your hair, dye it bright red, wear blue contact lenses, wear mini skirts with no underwear, wear orange nail polishes, accept gay marriage, have your own views on politics contrary to the ‘liberal’ standing you have on your facebook, you start to feel for things more than some others, you gain weight, you lose weight, you become depressed, suicidal, you become more optimisitic, happier, you win, you lose, you give up, you try, you get tired, you fall, you get back up, you cry and you smile.
these are the things you willingly and voluntarily allow yourself to change about yourself.
you change you.
i don’t really know where this is going, but people need to know that. stop blaming circumstances, stop blaming other people. the world works the way it does, and it is ultimately up to ourselves to react and respond in a way that changes ourselves or not.